Due to the anti-immigrant political climate and mass deportation orders, countless immigrant families are facing the painful reality of having to tell their children or other family members that their mother, father, aunt, grandmother, grandfather, or another loved one will no longer be with them due to deportation—or that they may be at risk of deportation.
The detention or deportation of a loved one is a deeply painful experience that not only results in physical family separation but can also leave deep emotional wounds. Children, in particular, may feel confused, scared, and vulnerable in these situations. While discussing this topic may feel difficult, and our human instinct pushes us to want to protect children from anything that may harm them, it is essential that parents or guardians address the topic in a timely manner, with sensitivity and clarity, to help children understand and manage their emotions.
This process may be even more challenging if the family has previously faced similar experiences or if there has been a constant fear of deportation. For some children, these conversations can trigger feelings of fear, anxiety, or uncertainty, especially if they have already experienced separations or sudden changes at home.
Below, I share practical strategies on how to approach difficult conversations with your children and help them manage their emotions.
Creating a Safe and Open Environment
In preparation for discussing the topic, take a moment to reflect on what you want to communicate. You can start by identifying the emotions you are feeling about the situation and either express them to a trusted adult or write them down. It is important that you feel comfortable and at ease so that the conversation is simple, clear, and reassuring. Before starting the conversation, you can take a few deep breaths or engage in an activity that brings you calm, such as praying, talking to someone, listening to relaxing music, etc.
Before starting the conversation, ensure that the setting where you will talk is calm and free of distractions. Tell the children that there is something important you would like to talk about and that you want to do so at a time and place that is also comfortable for them.
Four Key Points to Include in the Conversation
- What happened or what could happen?
- Why did it happen?
- What steps will you take to manage the situation and support your family?
- How can you create a safe space for children to express any questions or emotions they may have about the topic?
For example, you might say:
“ Mom or Dad had to leave because immigration laws in this country have changed. It is not our fault, nor theirs. But even though they are far away, we are still a family and will always find ways to stay in touch.”
Beyond explaining the situation, it is important to validate your child’s emotions and encourage them to express how they feel. Open-ended and reassuring questions can help:
“How do you feel hearing this? Is there anything that worries you or anything you would like to ask?”
Explain that it is completely normal to feel sadness, fear, or anger, and that they do not have to face these emotions alone. If your child has trouble expressing what they feel, you can suggest they do so through drawings, writing in a journal, or even sending a message or letter to their loved one.
Example of a Detailed Conversation with Children About Deportation
My love, I want to talk to you about something very important. I know you have noticed that things have been a little different lately, and I want to explain what is happening, so you do not feel confused or scared. [Loved one’s name] had to leave because immigration laws in this country have changed. It is not their fault or ours, and it does not mean that we stop loving each other.
How do you feel hearing this? Is there anything that worries you or anything you would like to ask?
I know this situation can be difficult, and you might feel many emotions at once, like sadness, anger, or fear. It is okay to feel all of that.
Have you noticed any feelings in your body, like a knot in your stomach or the urge to cry?
You can tell me what you are feeling, and together we can find ways to help you feel better. We will find ways to stay in touch with [loved one’s name] and make sure they still feel our love, even from far away.
Would you like to write them a letter or draw something for them?
I am here to protect you and make sure that we remain a family, no matter where we are.
What things do you think we could do together to feel closer and support each other as a family?
If at any time you feel sad or have many questions, you can always come talk to me. We will move forward together, and even though things change, our love and our family bond will never change.
Have you noticed any feelings in your body, like a knot in your stomach or the urge to cry?
You can tell me what you are feeling, and together we can find ways to help you feel better. We will find ways to stay in touch with [loved one’s name] and make sure they still feel our love, even from far away.
Would you like to write them a letter or draw something for them?
I am here to protect you and make sure that we remain a family, no matter where we are.
What things do you think we could do together to feel closer and support each other as a family?
If at any time you feel sad or have many questions, you can always come talk to me. We will move forward together, and even though things change, our love and our family bond will never change.
Adapting the Conversation by Age
The way to approach the topic should be adapted to the child’s age and level of understanding:
Young children (3-6 years old): Use simple and direct language. For example: “Mom/Dad had to leave for a while because there are new rules in this country about who can stay.”
School-aged children (7-12 years old): Provide more details, answering their questions honestly but without overwhelming them with excessive information.
Teenagers (13+ years old): They can handle deeper conversations about immigration laws and their implications. Encourage open dialogue and provide resources for them to learn more if they wish.
How to Help Children Cope with Change
Beyond the initial conversation, it is important to create a sense of stability and security for your child. You can do this in several ways:
Paying Close Attention to Signs of Distress: Observe and be mindful of any behaviors that may indicate how your child is feeling. Children often express their distress through emotions and behaviors, such as changes in mood, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, withdrawal from social interactions, or academic struggles. Recognizing these signs early can help you support them effectively.
Maintaining Consistent Daily Routines: Keeping daily routines as consistent as possible can help provide a sense of normalcy and calm in the midst of change. Routines offer stability during times of uncertainty. Continue with regular activities such as family meals, study schedules, and playtime. Additionally, keeping cultural traditions alive can strengthen your children’s sense of identity and belonging.
Staying in Frequent Contact: It is also helpful to find ways to maintain frequent contact with your deported loved one, such as through video calls, regular phone calls, voice messages, or letters. This helps the child continue feeling their presence and love. Studies show that engaging in frequent contact activities can significantly reduce the negative emotional impact of family separation.
Providing Information on Rights and Resources: Educate your children, especially teenagers, about their rights and how to respond in case of an interaction with immigration authorities or bullying at school. Provide resources and contact information for organizations that can offer legal and emotional support or places they can turn to for help in school if they are in distress.
Maintaining Ongoing Communication: The conversation about detention or deportation should not be a one-time discussion. Keep communication lines open, allowing your children to ask questions and express their feelings as they process the situation. Be available to provide comfort and clarify doubts when needed. The most important thing is to keep the conversation open. Your child may need time to process their emotions, and their questions may arise gradually. Remind them that they can always come to you, that they are not alone, and that no matter what happens, your love and support will always be there.
Encouraging Hope and Family Strength: Even though the situation is difficult, it is important to convey a message of hope. Remind your children of the times they have overcome challenges together and how, as a family, they can face adversity. Encouraging resilience will help your children develop emotional tools to handle future situations.
Paying Close Attention to Signs of Distress: Observe and be mindful of any behaviors that may indicate how your child is feeling. Children often express their distress through emotions and behaviors, such as changes in mood, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, withdrawal from social interactions, or academic struggles. Recognizing these signs early can help you support them effectively.
Pay Close Attention to Signs of Distress
Observe and be mindful of behaviors that may indicate how children are feeling. Children can express distress in different ways. Some signs to watch for include:
Expression Through Play: In some cases, children’s worries may appear in the way they play, incorporating themes of separation or loss into their activities.
Emotional Changes: Irritability, frequent crying, angry outbursts, or apparent indifference that may hide deeper emotions.
Sleep and Appetite Disturbances: Difficulty sleeping, nightmares, or changes in eating habits.
Physical Symptoms Without a Medical Cause: Headaches, stomachaches, or other stress-related discomforts.
Social Withdrawal: Less interest in interacting with friends or family.
Behavioral Regression: Bed-wetting, increased clinginess to caregivers, or returning to habits they had already outgrown.
School Difficulties: Trouble concentrating, lower academic performance, or a lack of motivation to learn.
It is crucial to observe these changes and provide children with a safe space to express their emotions. If the signs persist or significantly impact their well-being, consider seeking support from a mental health professional.
Develop a Family Safety Plan
Having a plan in case of detention or deportation can provide a sense of control and security:
Identify Trusted Caregivers: Decide who will take care of your children if you are unable to. Make sure this person is aware of and agrees to take on the responsibility.
Prepare Important Documentation: Create a folder with essential documents, such as birth certificates, medical records, and emergency contacts. Ensure the designated caregiver has access to this information.
Provide Clear Instructions: Explain to your children what to do and who to contact in case of an emergency. Practice the steps with them so they feel more secure.
This family emergency preparedness guide provides detailed steps to help your family prepare for possible detentions or deportations: ilrc.org
Take Care of Your Own Emotional Well-being
To best support children, it is essential that parents also take care of their well-being. Children perceive and react to their parents’ emotions. It is crucial to seek support, whether through therapy, community groups, trusted friends, or your church. When you take care of your emotional health, you will be better prepared to support your children.
Do not face this situation alone. Seek community organizations, support groups, and legal resources that can offer assistance and guidance. Sharing experiences with other families in similar situations or with trusted individuals can be comforting and provide additional strategies.
Additionally, apart from these support systems, research indicates that during challenging moments, recognizing our inner strength and staying connected to faith or a spiritual belief can help reduce stress and minimize feelings of hopelessness.
For example, practicing affirmations of strength, such as:
“I am doing everything I can to protect and care for my family.”
“I am a strong parent, and my children see my efforts.”
Affirmations can help reinforce emotional resilience and provide motivation during difficult times.
To obtain a mental health services referral, you can reach out to your child’s school, your primary care provider, your church, or call 211 to be connected to a local resource.
If you, a family member, or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of self-harm or harming others, call or text 988 for immediate support.
Remember, you are not alone. For more strategies on how to manage emotions, visit: https://hopecenterforwellness.com/for-community-members/